alhamdulillah ya Allah

Alhamdulillah.. My PhD journey has come to an end. well actually, until after it was submitted THEN i can say.. anyways, yesterday was the viva. and all i can say, alhamdulillah, it was not as bad as i thought. i had imagined myself passing out, jumping around if i had the good news, crying and sobbing uncontrollably when told the results, getting a referral because the examiners were not happy. but non of the dramatic event took place! hahaha such a drama queen i would say! the only drama was that the examiner needed to rush to another meeting and thats about it. during the viva i did fumble around forgetting some vocabs, having to hit myself to get the words out.. i got minor editorial correction if i am not mistaken thats the official results. in all honesty i am just grateful that i pass and thats it!

on another note, this phd journey is a truly humbling experience. it had brought me to the lowest point of my life, feeling depressed, desperate its just unbelievable. there was no one that could have help me then but Allah the Almighty. it just baffles me that when He answered and granted my duas. I truly felt that I did not deserve it at all!! i havent been in the best of behaviour, but He is so kind as to answer the prayers.. truly amazed me with his graciousness. i am humbled and hopefully with this accomplishment, I vowed to do good things with it what ever it is and I hope i will just continue to improve myself.. i am truly humbled!

Dd

I was not able to sleep last night.
Its D-day.
I am afraid of all possibility.
But I need to keep reminding myself that what ever the outcome, it is according to Allah the Almighty plan.
Dear heart, please have faith. Please remember that you are but a mere servant. Please remember that redha is the key word..

BH

i have been experiencing braxton hicks contraction this past week, almost 2. sometimes painful, especially lying down. the kicks were experienced for the past 3 weeks, started with tiny flutters and getting more and more obvious. I think that I am showing even more. but the funny thing is that some people thought i was loosing weight! i am positive i am gaining some weight after the 3rd months. the apetite has returned, just with a slight twist; no chicken or meat, just some fishes and veggies - i am referrig to the condition as selective vegetarian (sv) hehehee. maybe thats a part of the reason. i have heard that chickens are given hormons to speed growth, but not sure of the cows and sheeps. i do occosionally check the status of this sv condition of mine, by taking bites of the chicken and meat, but so far its negative. maybe it is good in a way. hopefully the baby will be healthy.. i am very determined to breastfeeding, already making some investments such as an electric breastpump (ordered), and some tools already purchased like nursing chair, nursing pillow. i hope that the will will be reflected by these investments! insyaAllah..
i am so far off from BH!! well, i read online that second time mothers will feel it sooner. i do hope that that is the case. though i am a second time mom, the pregnancy was 5 years ago!

it feels brand new..

selective memory effect post partum!

all these while after giving birth to afnan, i have always thought the quality of my memory has gone down. i remembered being so absent minded, struggling to study for ielts, suffering through the exams, having reduced memory and could not recall things etc. this morning i was thinking about that again and being pregnant again i was afraid that my memory along with the iq would go down further. then it hit me, if it was as bad as i thought, how could i remember EVERY single thing about the baby then; for example each cloths, shirts and pants and dresses bought or given as gifts? because i could, and still can now! well maybe the professional part of the brain has shifted to other more important things like family amd children which is equally demanding. remember that having babies you have to be superorganised! all the suits needs to be folded together, the socks and mittens too or else!!

## amazed at the typos with 2 thumbs.. will correct it if i realised it but faham2 je la if its not!

Of pregnancy

I have officially completeted 18 weeks today. Alhamdulillah.. it seems quicker these days with no/less complications than the first trimester..

We first found out that I was pregnant in the first week of January if I am not mistaken. I had about 3 days of spotting and then it stopped. I felt weird so I used the upt and got the biggest surprise!! 2 lines! We were over the moon!

However about a week later I started to have some spotting. I was re-living a nightmare. No, make it 2 nightmares! Both times i got pregnant before I have experience this same thing, its just the first one it ended up with a miscarriage and the second time it was successful with Afnan. My thoughts at the time, and I still remember it vividly, was that i only had a 50/50 % chance this time. And though we were over the moon, we were quite reserved about the news.

A couple of things that were reassuring about the pregnancy was that at 5.5 weeks we had an appointment withearly pregnancy unit for an ultrasound and the sonographer reported that she could not find the cause of the bleeding as everything looked normal AND that there was already a HEARTBEAT!!! Alhamdulillah.. Oh and the second reassuring fact was that my morning sickness which was in the form of extreme loya and mual were constant and consistent.. alhamdulillah.. well, its to the point that i had to use the motion sickness band usually usually used by fishermen to overcome seasick. it really works, amazing..

Alhamdulillah the bleeding stops after the first trimester.. maybe its just going to happen to me with all pregnancy, only Allah knows. We would just accept the outcomes as it is.. I pray for a further complication-less pregnancy and hopefully after the viva i would be able to concentrate with the preparation birth etc.. I know how unprepared I was previously, from birth right to confinement.. :)

Wish me luck!!

From mobile

wee hoo! i am now able to blog from my mobile phone. just did not understand why i was not able to do so before.

Assalamualaikum...

 

Mid of April 2013 already!

 

I seriously cannot remember the last time I posted an entry!

 

A few big events:

 

1. Came home - yeay!!

 

2. A new member of the family is coming - double yeay!!!

 

 

Hanya Allah mampu mengubat hati..

Some people cant help pushing all the wrong button, its disgusting..

Phd update

Yes, I have not been writing for a while. I am too pre-occupiedwith alot ofthings; namely my phd, whatelse is new?

Summary of the past couple of months; submitted abstract for 2 conferences and both accepted; 1 for oral and optional paper for proceedings and the other is poster with option to submit to a special issue of Fuel (high impact). So the paper to the first conference was prepared, submitted and had 'major' correction, but turned out I had to rebut their comments, i didi not make any major correction and it was accepted.
I was thinking earlier; the first time O received their reply wrt the abstract I was crushed with their harsh comments. I was really down but after about a week or so I was able to overcome it and wrote back and it was accepted. After submitting the full paper I got a reply; I was again crushed with but not as bad as the first time, it tooke me about 2 days to recover amd was able to rebut the reviewer's comments. Now i am nervous going to the conference not so much on doing the presentation but the 5 minutes q&a session. What if the questions hurt my feelings and i am not able to answer it properly? Am i going to take 2 days to answer? What if its my actual viva? How am i going to answer especially harsh comments?? All this while I know the answers as its my work, but what if when i explain, people dont understand? What if the examiner dont understand during the viva and he's not satisfied etc etc etc... I am full of worries and i overthink. To top this all, i recieved an email earlier saying that i can do an oral presentation instead of poster if i wanted to.

Thats the beginning of my agitation..