Hanya Allah mampu mengubat hati..

Some people cant help pushing all the wrong button, its disgusting..

Phd update

Yes, I have not been writing for a while. I am too pre-occupiedwith alot ofthings; namely my phd, whatelse is new?

Summary of the past couple of months; submitted abstract for 2 conferences and both accepted; 1 for oral and optional paper for proceedings and the other is poster with option to submit to a special issue of Fuel (high impact). So the paper to the first conference was prepared, submitted and had 'major' correction, but turned out I had to rebut their comments, i didi not make any major correction and it was accepted.
I was thinking earlier; the first time O received their reply wrt the abstract I was crushed with their harsh comments. I was really down but after about a week or so I was able to overcome it and wrote back and it was accepted. After submitting the full paper I got a reply; I was again crushed with but not as bad as the first time, it tooke me about 2 days to recover amd was able to rebut the reviewer's comments. Now i am nervous going to the conference not so much on doing the presentation but the 5 minutes q&a session. What if the questions hurt my feelings and i am not able to answer it properly? Am i going to take 2 days to answer? What if its my actual viva? How am i going to answer especially harsh comments?? All this while I know the answers as its my work, but what if when i explain, people dont understand? What if the examiner dont understand during the viva and he's not satisfied etc etc etc... I am full of worries and i overthink. To top this all, i recieved an email earlier saying that i can do an oral presentation instead of poster if i wanted to.

Thats the beginning of my agitation..

Voidage is the ratio of free volume over total volume.

Sudah masuk masak kecederaan ni..

Meetings dah diubah ke Tuesdays now.. Bukan Thursdays lagi.. Panic sangat..

Erm.. Sometimes we plan something and it did not work out as we had hope because Allah wants something better for us.

I planned for chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and Conclusion. But 5 and 6 might be combined. I barely start 7, which is the new 6. Pening wal pusing.

Tiket untuk ke destinasi conference dah ditempah. Esok hotel pulak. Tetiba rasa xda semangat pulak.. Need to be positive!! I want to go home!!!

Ps- i dont read back what i wrote as i know the bits and pieces might not always have connection with each other thus might not make much sense. Its just the things that pop inside my mind..

Oh my Gucci! Berangan! Selagi xhabis, pakai je faux leather handbag (synthetic/plastic). Better yet, rendam sikit the pink Puma ngsn clorox, mesti cun. Thats why i like lv sbb dia xsale. Jadi xkan ralat kalau bags full price.

Macam ni rasanya buat phd.. Bila rasa terjatuh off of a cliff macam dlm movie, fell and fell tapi still xkena tanah.. Terkapai2.. Teringat pesan mak, bila kita sedih xda siapa boleh bantu, hanya pada Allah tempat kita mengadu..

PhD is a journey; for a certificate, whatever awaits bila balik nanti, most importantly a process of self discovery. Initially i thought of it of something that makes me put my life on hold but its not. It is life, the path that was chosen for me by Allah. Sometimes ada rasa yang dah tak larat sangat, tp bila fikir sikit je lagi. I did not even know what it meant..

One of the lowest point in my phd life by strings of events; virus, no back up, failed hard disk, failure to reinstall the software I am using. And the cream topping it off my fob was deactivated.

Semua ok dpt diatasi Alhamdulillah though just using a spare pc. Then xboleh remote desktop, gastric tp still gagahkan diri pegi troubleshoot. Then I got fruity pavlova on top of the cream tadi; my main file xboleh buka. Build sana build baru lama whatever and mmg menekan butang shutdown pc otakku la.. Became sleepy and slept through the day sampai cik abg sayang pun heran, apsal asyik tidur je.. Bila google, rupanya mmg ada drowsy from stress and it make you sleepy all day.

So thats last week; the last week of being a 3rd year phd student. This week the file problem still xresolve but I dont want to waste anymore time so buat balik je la the WHOLE thing. Camt bear anymore heartache..

Harapnya hari mendatang ini akan diberi kekuatan, kesabaran untuk menghadapi sebarang dugaan..

Its Friday 07062012 and lets start a new page (thesisthesisthesis)

Di persimpangan dilema.
Time is running out.
Panicked inside, dan ianya terzahir.
Dah tak sabar nak balik, kalau boleh seawal mungkin.
Limbo is the state that I am in.
Suntikan semangat dah diterima, tp rasa masih tersekat.
Ada something.
Banyak benda nak kena fikir, perlu disenarai menurut kepentingan, keperluan dan keinginan and topped of with rational justification..

These are just random thoughts playing in my mind..

Nak phd nak balik nak submit nak lulus je..

Bila dengar or baca kisah apa2 samada baik or buruk, kita boleh bermuhasabah dgn mengaitkannya dgn kita sendiri. Perlu ambil iktibar..
*semua ni dicoret dgn intonasi yg mellow & insaf.. :)

Bila kita terjatuh its natural to look up to see where we should be. But, to be there we should look down to see where we should go.

Bila kita rasa down, kita akan rasa apa yg orang lain ada tu sgt best. Apa yg patut kita buat ialah tgk orang lain yang takda apa yg kita ada. Allah maha adil, kelebihan orang dr satu segi, kekurangan dia kt tpt lain. Macam kita sendiri, kelebihan tu kadang2 kita tak nampak, tp mungkin org lain nampak. Kita je yg rasa susah. Subhanallah Allah menempatkan semua pada tempatnya. Banyak sangat telah terbukti.
Perlu bersyukur atas apa yg kita ada, pesanan pada hati sendiri. Mungkin kita xfinancially stable but are debt free. Rezeki dpt anak yang sihat, hati tenang (wpun bila fikir pasal phd jd xtenang). Oh ye, harap2 dia dpt faham mama dia yg weng. Harap2 bila everything is settled i could make up for loss time. I really hope that i could be better mother. Am not doing such a good job right now.. :(

Under the radar unnoticed..

I just want to get by!

Uninspired

I am upset and angry.

Should not be all that.

Have to redha, something better will come along.

But its hard! Accepting it as the weakness of being hamba Allah..

I love the sunshine and the early sunrise. I feel my spirit is lifted as it intensity increases.. If one said home is where the heart is, I would say Malaysia is home. That is where my heart is. Physically I am where I am, but in truth I am home. I will work hard to be united with my heart. It's not a gloomy entry, rather to keep up my motivation. Good luck for the rest of the day!

Semalam mcm biasa ada weekly meeting. Khamis kan.. I prepared a presentation, tp xsempat sbb the cikgu was looking through my abstract. Word by word. Teringat masa buat report eac dulu.. Fun with friends, tp x dgn sifu2 inglais.. Begitu menekankan penggunaan perkataan yg tepat bila menulis... Belajar belajar

A note to myself. No, you did not lose 4 kg. even if you did, you must have gained it back.

The-I-lost-4-kg entry has been haunting me.

Nanti dah hbs phd nanti, insyaAllah, usaha utk kurus akan kembali.. I just could not handle it at the moment. Work-related stress is mind boggling. Its using up my brain, taking up my akal (pompuan kn ada 1 je).. Need to stay strong..

I think i lost 4 kg! The new digital scale broke awhile ago and so that left me with the good old mechanical scale. I believe that trustworthy scale, or shouldn't I?
I guess that the main point is that it is possible! I saw and old pic in 2009 and i was a lot thinner then. Ni semua salah phd! Kurang makan sikit sakit kepala, gastrik la. stress sikit makan banyak..development of cooking, bakng skills. Oh and there was a time that baking relieves stress, i would be baking all the time! Now, the stress level is way beyond the point that baking and cooking can ever relieve. That might contribute in the slight weight loss.

Erm maybe if the digital scale is fixed or i go and get a new one it would still say that i havent lost the weight?? Nasib la kan.. ;B

Lately i love to pour my heart out to non-other Afnan. As if she understands hahaha. I got a few tips and it made my day!
1. I told her that i only like my school a little bit. What should i do? She said i need to do more writing and drawing - writing ABC and draw princess and castles etc.
2. I have been going to school on weekends (2x baru). The 2nd time, i told her that i was tired of going to school, what should i do? She said do your work at home then.. Hahaha she's really the apple of my hearts!!
And she has answers to everything! The other day when i was telling her how she should finish her food, not waste it and not throw it in the rubbish, or else the food will cry (didnt our moms said that too??) she just said to me, macam mana dia (food) nak nangis, dia xda eyes pun!!
Me speechless!

Typos

Never used to read back what i have written. Did not realised that this smart phone sometimes sukatije detect some words plus my thumb do tends to slide off the touch screen area. Anyways, will be reviewing the posts prior to publishing.. ;p

3monthsthesis

Thank you pn maya for giving the link to 3monthsthesis website. Was just reading the article on should you quit your phd. The answer was YES!? They laid out every single reason why you should quit, and they are right! But on top of it, we need to realise that phd is not everything and we do have a choice. Most importantly we have Allah to ask for help to, and hopefully he will show us the way that is meant for us..

I always feel when I get good results or get something that I want, a good feeling or anything positive, i dont feel that i deserve it. I feel really bad that i had not cite my dua enough to deserve such good things and vibes. But i do and did! I am ashamed but I am hopeful that Allah is giving me signs that i should change to a better person. Cite my dua more, improve my prayers, read quran more, be a better mom, wife, daughter, sister, a better person overall. I hope to become all that and more.
I have had a big slap to the face just recently, with regards to my work. I took it very badly. But a good thing came out of it. I felt stronger than ever before. Allah has shown me time and time again that on his willing, ANYTHING can happen. I kept that in mind, and time after time he has shown it. Semuanya atas izin Allah. My phd story is nowhere near the end, but dengan izinnya, i believe it will one day. I strongly believe that it will. I have one more day to complete a phase (the first), after which 2 more phases will follow.

I do hope that they dont take 2 and a half years each! Haha

Confuse.. Especially bila cikgu xbanyak komen. Ok kah? Xok kah?

Tapi tips yg paling berguna (in my own words) - tulis la macamana pun, yg penting rationalise it.

Ya, time of the essence. Bekerja keliling jam (working around the clock). Hehehhehe direct translation

I am waiting for a few sets of simulations to run. These runs should only take a couple seconds but its been thousands of seconds. There is possible minus adjustment i cant be bothered for reasons in my head.
Anyways, i am searching for a mssong file. Last time i saw it was back in june because i needed a form but i don t think i have seem it since. Benda paling xsuka buat ialah memcari benda.. Xsuka xsuka.. Terus xda mood nak bermultitask. Byk je yg menanti: (1x7x4) + (1x6x4)2 = 28 + 48 = 76

Am a walking zombie

May this increase my motivation in finishing my studies..
Ameen..

I am so tired! At school xbyk progress in wrapping up this one chapter. Susah betul nak writing ni ye.. I had an outline of things that I wanted to say but it did not work out the way i had hope. Xminum coffee mengantuk. Itu lg satu yg i failed to understand.. Stress byk keke but ngantuk tetap ngantuk. Xpelik ke?
The semangat might have rubbed off. Sikit je lagi.. Eh banyak, but kena buat sikit2..
Oh ye the annoying thing is when i got an idea flow but need to pee.. Did not want to leave my seat!!

My baby's got what i had- sakit kaki. Kurang makan, banyak jalan= sakit kaki.. A trait.. Did not know it was possible to pass it on.. Nasib la baby ku..

I love the way my baby's nose look when she cries. Really cute how it crinkles.. She's such a joyful and happy person from day one. She got wonderful personality and just fun to be around. I can now ask for nursery rhymes before i sleep! Its so sweer..

Lately I am having quite a racing mind. I am no even sure what its called, but thats in top of my head. I am feeling mentally exhausted, i lack sleep not because of work, but thinking of work. I am sure its a good sign, but I feel headache coming all the time and feels strain on the eyes area. My body cry out for rest! But i got so much work to do!! In the back of my mind I am thinking about work. I dont even understand how i can manage that.
I cringe everytime i heard about submitting the thesis, viva, trouble this and that. I never properly check before, but apparently, depending on which uni you are in, the viva results categories are different. There is the top one; accepted without correction. There was one cfd student, i heard that he was brilliant, 3 years spot on. There's minor editorial, you might get a week or 2, but it probably would take you a couple hours to do the editting. There is minor but you get like 6 months to add something. Another cfd student got this recently, but apparently it was expected, so she did some additional work before the viva and it was exactly what the examiner highlighted. So she might not need the 6 months afterall. Then there is major correction. I have heard a couple of stories, 1 student got this after the viva, but its her luck that it did not went so well. Plus her time was up and she has had to come here and take time off from work in holland. It was a struggle, i am happy she passed , submitting the corrected version. Happy ending for her. Anyways, i think some other uni consider the 6 months minor as major correction but not here I guess. Almost forgot, the next category after major is resubmission/reviva. You might get somewhere between 6-12 months to add more work/chapters, more experimental work etc, resubmit and reviva. Last but not least, fail. Ouch (as in cringing!). You will not NOT get anything, might be mphil or something similar. I mean you can get mphil if you do not pass your transfer.. In my personal opinion, unless you did not do any work at all or have some problems with yours, you can get away with major correction. Its not that bad, but i do wish just the editorial.. ;p amin... I have a long way to go. 36 months ends in May.. I am definitely applying for extension.. I just want to get by..

Lets not jump to conclusion. Evaluate all aspects, then rationalise the decision. No good will come to hasty action and decision.

Where has my cheek bone gone??

Di saat2 genting penghujung masa phd ni, diri di uji.. Allah sangat2 sayangkan aku dan sentiasa ingat akan diri ku..

Exhausted!!