Its only 4.22 pm and its dark outside and I found my mind wondering off thinking of the things that I would like to do.. Yup, my work is one of the things that would be in that category, nevertheless in the end I would always thought of my beautiful (in my eyes) baby girl. I hope that this recollection would be available when she is older so she could read it and somehow treasure it.

Back in my early years I have to admit going through tough teenage times that I felt so horrible, I never felt good about myself, always feeling self cautious and at times I do feel like I am depressed.. Seriously.. But somehow I outgrown the phase that no-know-nor-understand me and the world did seem like a better place. My lengthy introduction somehow does not fit the point that I am getting into.. Anyways, if one day Afnan is destined to read this, I just would like her to know that in the future, insyaAllah, sayang, you could always come to me for ANYTHING.. Talk or what ever it is that you need.

Anyways, I have heard of mother's unconditional love and I understand it when I had Afnan. I never know that I had this much love to give to another human being.. I felt fulfill just by loving her and attend to her needs. Its amazing that I can hardly believe it. I was and will always be overwhelmed especially having her grow right in front of me.

Afnan is always my first priority and I could not imagine having to part with her. I remembered having to attend BTN course that took like 6 days or something, I was worried sick. Especially prior to leaving her behind with my dear hubby she had signs of fever. Little that I know that over the course of my absence, and when I got back she got progressively sicker and sicker. It broke my heart when I came back and wanted to greet her she looked at me with her huge eyes, crying as if she was terrified of me. I do think it was because she missed me so much, hearing my voice calling out to her, she was plain surprised as we did talk on the phone without failing at least 2-3 times a day. Nevertheless, it hurts so badly that I broke down and cried. It just hurt me so bad that she looks as if she did not recognize me. To add to the open wound, she continued having fever and later on diagnosed with HFMD - hand foot and mouth disease. Her apetite deteriorated, it was hard enough to feed her milk or solid food without her mom having to 'bersilat' segala. I remembered taking the rest of the week off.. Dah la cuti tak banyak..

Anyways, the bottom line is after that, I would always make sure that I would always bring her along wherever that I go and so far I have managed that. Coming here for my PhD, my helper is due to go back in 3 weeks time and my dear hubby and I are starting to discuss and do things on our own in terms of how we are going to manage without a helper of course. My parents are coming in January next year insyaAllah, so we have a month of independence.. I do thing that we can manage.. InsyaAllah.. Though my dear hubby's schedule is a bit tight but it will be temporary..

So dear Afnan, Siti Solehah, Sayang mama, Kebi Papa, behave ye.. jangan nakal-nakal.. Walaupun suara mama kuat bila cakap dengan Afnan, itu adalah volume sahaja yang mama memang tak boleh nak control, bukan sebab mama tak sayang kat Afnan, tapi sebab mama dah terbiasa cakap kuat.. Sorry in advance ye..

Ya Allah, Permudahkanlah urusan kami sekeluarga..